the Great Metaphor IV

I had to put some thought into choosing what to write about this time around... I don't particularly want to write about ultimate dejection like the first post, but then again that's life: you win and you lose, you put out the effort and get nothing back; another day everything goes perfectly. Then there are days when it's just such a tough time but you keep plodding on and you do get something out of it... when somebody actually notices you're laying it all out, proving yourself... when you can come out of it and look back and truly feel accomplished, whether it be a private satisfaction or if there be some public reward. I have to say though, there is nothing like a mix of the two.

I had arrived late, because of school, to join up with the team in Costa Rica. We had actually been afforded time ahead of the Olympic qualifying tournament to go and have a couple warm-up games. I arrived having had a fever the past 3 days. Fabulous. It seemed to go away though after traveling but I was of course run down. Made it through practices well enough. But I had to do it in the friendly game to earn my starting spot for the real thing.

The thing about any team, whether that team be a sport, your friends, or your family, you need to take a moment sometimes to see if what you're doing benefits the group, or your ego. For me that moment came in the friendly match during an injury stoppage. I knew I was doing good, but the moment we had to stop playing that long... talk about adrenalin draining away.... Ok so let me just quietly wonder away over here and throw up. It was a great moment hehehe. Truly once in a lifetime! I have no idea if anyone noticed, nobody ever said a word. But from there I knew I had it in me to push on and not let down the team. And the next game I started on the field, not on the bench, so I guess Coach noticed SOMEthing.....

the Great Metaphor III

Sometimes there are things that show up in your life that prove to be huge obstacles, things you need to fight through, overcome... long term events that you wonder when will you get through it, when will things go back to "normal"; how do you even know? For me one such event was my knee surgery, rehab, and the annoying brace i wore afterward. Of course the whole thing started playing football..I lunge...knee goes to one side..there ya go, torn ACL.

Then comes the being brave, the going through the surgery, the starting the rehab with a severely atrophied leg, getting rid of the crutches, getting rid of the whole leg brace that kept my knee straight, going on to the one that was supposed to let me be fully functional. Although really... it was less of an issue of function - in fact it was sometimes an encumbrance - and more of an issue of psychological security to feel that I had some support, something keeping my knee together until I had recovered my strength. Thing is... you need to take it off to know if you have recovered your strength.

Summer comes around and I try to start playing again...but everything is SO tentative..so unsure. Its like you're out there having a good time and then it all goes wrong... then you're not sure how to go out and have a good time again. It all comes to a head one evening at camp, coaches scrimmage, co-ed of course. I'm chillin, wearing my brace, getting into the game, things going ok.

Here comes the pass to me... its short... this is going to be a 50/50 with one of the guys closing in fast. I am NOT going to stick my leg in there. So I lunge forward to fake as if I would challenge for it. Hopefully he does the same and misses, its rolls by and I get it. Noooo. He apparently read my intentions and comes sliding in as the ball gets to me. Sliding. In all honesty its a beautiful tackle. He gets the ball lodged against my shins and his momentum takes him past me. I'm now airborn as he slides under. I land on my feet and recover the ball, which managed to stay in front of me, and kept on playing.

"whooooaaaa! are you ok?!?!?"
"yea...I'm totally fine" (surprise in my voice)
"thats what you needed!"

Yep, sometimes you just need a good hit to figure out you'r ok.

the Great Metaphor II

It hadn't been that much time, we were still getting to know each other...of course we had similar interests..football, foreigners, going all out for the team... but it was a somewhat closed environment...train, train, train, play, meals together, alot of free time tgether...and now it was supposed to click on the field... some people say we both wore our emotions on our sleeves, i don't know if that was a good thing or not...

Here we were on what would be one of many hot afternoons on the damn hot turf chasing so many overweighted passes. Dammit I wish I didn't have the speed and the expectations that were attached to it... and this game was our first..how many more useless runs... was this going to improve? Jeez... but we kept going, every one they played we chased it... I guess it was part of the relationship.

The ball played down the right...just inside the box, of course its running away fast on the turf... we better not play on alot of turf fields every week, i'l die... but i get to it before it goes out, the defender right on me... one touch, look up... next touch I play it across the six... here she comes! always making the runs, always supporting! my strike partner! right foot finish with the defender all over her...it was a great goal... lunging and getting it in under the goalie... our first goal... i rush across to hug her even as she is still on the ground... it was a majic moment we celebrated as if best of friends.

Yep sometimes relationships happen when you'r not looking.

Football, the Great Metaphor - part I

Football has put me in and gotten me through so many random, unexpected, expected, planned, unplanned, exhilarating, depressing, awkward...you name it, situations since i was a child learning the game, growing up playing on the field up the street with only boys. It has been the real constant in my life, has taught me much, took me to high achievements, and brought me to my closest friends, and is now forming the path i walk on. I have often used football as analogy for life in general and have yet to find a situation that couldn't in some way be related to a game. I choose to share some of my own game clips here. Make of them what you may; as with anything else, we form unique interpretations based on our own experiences.

I check in to the ball...the pass comes...its heavy...defender coming in on my back. I step over it and let it run, spinning off my man. As I turn to get sight of the ball again, there is a second defender approaching. Damn it was so heavy, its running away fast...can I get there before she does? Slight hesitation maybe only in my mind... because I'm going full out for it now...I know I have the speed. I get to it one step early..poke it to one side, run around the other side of her. Third defender right behind, no choice but to use the same move...just to try and get into some space...but now i'm getting pushed away from goal... Ok so look up finally and two more defenders in the box, one shaping to close me, the other trying to stay with my strike partner. I take a push to goal...angle is tight...the adrenalin really pumping now, we'r down 1-0... make a decision! Maybe it was a matter of confidence, maybe just my style... I'v never been much of a goalscorer ...to this day i always look to put in the service.... But here's my forward bearing down on the center of the goal, great finisher... so I slide it across the box...only to have her completely plowed over, cleared out, cleaned up, by the defender... no penalty...Only then was I aware of the silence as I was taking on defenders... and then there was nothing... nothing but disbelief ... dejection...my efforts had yielded nothing but injury to my teammate, my friend... and we were left there, she bent over in pain on the verge of tears and i trying to comfort her as the ball was cleared in the opposite direction...

My Carnival Weekend

Aright so ah hope everybody had a nice time in all de fetes, on de road, pan, etc.. fuh spite i eh read no papers to see if anybody dead or anyting so... but yuh kno news does reach back. One piece ah good news was a teacher and now good friend design monday mas for Silver Stars, pan winners, and had a ball wit it. She always up to try someting new =)

But i only studying while ppl palancin, i here bundle up half de time, and shovellin snow de odder half. An to make it worse, when ah tryin to see a lil ting on de internet, it stickin stickin. ONLY TO FINE OUT was fleckin C with a setta assness an dey "broadcast rights"!! When is C who should haul dey ass when dey make ppl pay an den tief ppl money cuz de stream wasn even wukkin. Dey ha to scramble to say well ahmm yuh could get a refund or watch a nex event. An wha happen when dat stick too? crapaud smoke yuh pipe.

So ah tryin to make a lil CD, if ah could fine enough songs ah like dat sound like soca and not dancehall...or dat not "on ah riddim". Pressha. It jes hit meh dat ppl on de beach all now... while i here wit meh space heater... but ah have one up: ah hear my CT crix cheaper dan Trinidad crix ... an lemmeh tell yuh, de Vital Supplies does come een REAL good in dis winter! ;-)

Til nex time...

What would you do...

What would you do if everything around you collapsed
As if battered from a violent storm
Everything that was real to you, now no more
Only the foundations left struggling to hold together

What would you do if you saw a light,
Went towards it, pulled yourself from the gloom
Then realised the night still comes
And you have to fight the fears that come with the dark

What would you do if the music stopped
The song that always played in your head
Taking you through the day, making you smile
Is it possible to find it again? Would you want to?

What to do if you run out of energy
Draw on the strength of the foundation...
...the glow of the light
...remember the melody
Find some extra stores you have somewhere
And hope those don't run out before the end.

Dear Carnival Jumbies, ...

Hello to everybody clicking thru from over by Saucy!

This blog is prob not what yuh expect, yeh i get lil sidetrack... But anyways, hope allyuh Carnival shaping up nice. I still stick up in de cold, missing yet another Monday and Tuesday. But my time will come!

So to all who go be home palancin this year, give thanks and stay safe!

Till nex time...

"I got more than I could ever ask for..." - One Year Later

The last note read "maybe this calender will be a tradition"...maybe... oh the things we wanted to happen but never did...the so many things that we can still hope for that still have all the chance in the world...the things that can still become traditions...

It's been a crazy year. Big-sisterhood has been a challenge, treading new ground, figuring out how to handle new situations. Of course its gone both ways: there have been difficult times - school has certainly been a challenge, for both of us; guys, for both of us haha; and yes soccer, again for us both; there's been getting through family shit; and sticking with it when one of us was the problem. But its been rewarding just as well - learning more about each other, giving more, being patient, understanding better, having someone looking out for you, trusting more, finding theres someone who can always make you smile, the connection proven undeniable.

So many moments...from track meets to parking in reverse, from planning colleges to planning to head my wedding party, getting back on the field at last, switching roles between spectator and player (that was fun), Chips, comparing notes about PT, middle of the night txt messages, encouraging words, sharing our deepest thoughts and experiences, anonymous flowers, inappropriate convos haha, beach!, boys!, moments of incredible tension tempered by those of real affection, missing the exit on the highway, just chillin out talking, a hug...

I'v said before it was an unequal relationship. I know now why I said that and I now want to withdraw that statement and confirm that you dont need the same things on each side of the scale, as long as it balances then you'r good to go. To be more accurate, I should say as long as you'r aware of the balance and appreciate whats going into it then...
...then when things happen that would threaten to throw it off, like people smoking, people being overbearing about it, overprotective, like surgery, like prom drama, like people being bitchy, The Decision, like not seeing each other, like Aunty saying shit, or even like accusations of physical abuse when it was clearly a fish ...then when things happen you figure out what you need to do to restore the balance. I have to mention there were the times when I just didnt get it, and I benefitted from displays of maturity and wisdom beyond the average 17 yr old.

And now we are in the most difficult period thus far; one where we will keep looking to the future standing on what has been built in the past; one where you just have to believe; one where appreciating things will take on a whole new dimension; one where if I was to look down the road to writing another "one year later" I have no idea what it would be; one where everything will be challenged and tested; one where we will learn even more about ourselves and each other; one where we will enter new chapters in our lives; one where I will keep looking forward to the next dinner when I will once again most skillfully steal that red velvet desert off your spoon.

I guess i decided to write this again cuz its always good to stop and look ...and to follow the advice a certain lil' sister gave me recently:

"just remember your past, live in the present, and look forward to your future"

unconditional...