some things are unexpected
and the way you react to them
speaks volumes of the way
you approach your life

some things are truly amazing,
touch you in unexpected ways
change your life to the extent that
your approach changes

some things you look forward to
in ways you never expected
and when the possibility is taken away
it affirms how much it truly meant

some things inspire you
to go beyond yourself
and to grow into a person
you never thought you were

some things are unconditional
come from the heart
are ongoing, undying
and you can expect to outlast

some things are frozen in time...

alrighty then....

Ok so i'v taken possibly my longest break yet from posting anything here. If only i could spend some of the time I spend IM'ing, writing here instead... While I HAVE been doing some writing, it has been in quite a different format than this and quite surely needs to be edited before any thought of publishing can happen...unless I want people to know my deepest darkest thoughts...haha

Life? Since my last post things have been up and down, busy, not so busy, lazy, hectic, fun, challenging in every way possible. How tired can one person be mentally (and emotionally)? Seems I am on the ultimate quest to answer that. Doesn't help to flip the pages of the calender and look at the different images at the top of the page reminding you of the seasons going by, while you are stuck laboring at the same tasks forever.

Once again, soccer has been the haven providing some sanity and normalcy in my life. Another Fall season, another group of new people to get to know, new teams to coach, new parents to navigate, girls making me laugh, having silly practices, the great goals, the not-so-great games, and the new team I got to play on, yep I gotta keep playing too! Try to have my own bit of fun!

So keep pressing on, even though theres that something thats missing, gotta keep looking for that bit of enjoyment wherever it might come from. Its the only way to do it!

"i got more than i could ever ask for, a big sister"

Kinda didn't see that coming... or did I ... Nobody really stops to think where things are going in a relationship until you reach some kind of turning point or epiphany... I suppose that was the moment from a 16yr-old.

I had coached her in summer, week long residential camp. Great kid. The next summer I got her again; and what a fabulous team that was! It was good preparation for her; entering high school and being all nervous about try-outs. In hindsight I probably didn't appreciate the significance of her asking my advice all the time, telling me how nervous she was, telling me how tryouts went every day, how team lists were being posted on the wall, how she made Varsity as a freshman, how the season was going; then later on how different it was with her club team, club tournaments, going to regional championships, how she's learning to take her penalty kicks like mine, looking forward to camp again...

It's so far beyond football now....

Hey how was your day today? I have sooo much homework. Oh I have an exam on a Tale of Two Cities, know anything about it? ooo one of my favourite books! Great! I'm still reading and its tomorrow. Tomorrow?! yeh help? ok ok And i got sucked into helping her, and in the long term trying to correct her dislike of reading. Still working on that by the way... Now I'm given unsolicited progress reports, so to speak: which classes she likes, which ones are easy, some drama that happened that day, when she had a test, how it went, when she has a project, can I help?... Alot like myself, keeps high standards for academics so I appreciate when she's working at something; and now I'm back in school again we share that focus and understanding.

So there's this boy... ha ok...? I get the history, the background, what's going on, what she thinks what she feels, when there's another interest entering the picture, whats happened with that, the exhilarating moments, the unsure ones, the lows, trying to teach her how to "play the game", trying to help her get over the last one, advising on the new one. Oh so how's MY lovelife? Well seeing as I've been with the same guy forever even though we are apart alot, I've somehow managed to now be a good example of how to work through difficult situations with guys and it makes my advice more real to her.

What's in this really....?

I'v pointed out so many times that we have such a unique relationship...for two people of such different backgrounds, experiences, ages, cultures... to have found that we have alot in common and could get along so well... It is an unequal relationship of course: she looks for my advice on most things, I do ask her advice on some things, she gets all worked up over things, I don't, she looks up to me, I feel protective. I'v gotten involved in a way that she comes to me with her most personal thoughts. I'm happy to keep them in confidence, she appreciates every moment.

All the hypothetical questions, conversations, looking at her reactions and responses.... going from talking online and having the "security" of the screen to actually preferring to talk in person...from going to watch her play every now and then to sitting in traffic for 7 hours on our way to Six Flags... from being her soccer coach to her driving instructor... from having a laugh and talking at camp to now sharing an affection that she so aptly defined above.

It is quite alot to take in, to think back on, to think of where it's got to, how special she has become and her significance in my life. Helped a whole lot with the cultural aspect of my coaching education I can tell ya that!! And that in no way trivialises anything. In fact makes it even more significant because I know she would like to know that she helps.

I suppose i decided to write this cuz its good to stop and take stock sometimes...but like a certain person said recently:

"theres so many aspects to our relationship that i couldn't possibly kno all of them at this given moment could i?"